I originally wanted to post something else, but with the vibes I'm getting today...I definitely feel led to cover a new topic. And of course, it's going to be regarding one of my favorite topics - Love.
LOVE is unconditional. It is formless. It is never-ending. It is perfect in the way that only Love is. It cannot be described, and we shouldn't attempt to...to even try to define this Love would be a limit alone. Love is patient. Love is non-judgemental. It is not self-serving. It knows no limits. It is forgiving. It is understanding. It just is... I became the light by surrendering myself to Love, even within the depths of my darkness. Even in hell (both mental and physical), I still chose Love. I didn't always know what that meant or looked like..but I could always get a sense of what it felt like. Of what choosing to honor myself (God) ultimately felt like...even though, back then, I felt anything but Godly. I felt everything but worthy or deserving of the Love I AM (and now recognize myself to be). My journey wasn't easy...but this is why I have an undeniable faith in Love. In that which I cannot see or even understand. Because it saved me..
At 13, I was raped by my former step-father. My childhood innocence was lost when my virginity was taken from me...but it didn't just stop there. It went on for three years. Can you imagine what that did to my self-confidence? My psyche? I fell into the depths of Hell at that moment, whether I was aware of it or not. The man who raped me was the first narcissist I encountered...there would be another to close that cycle 7 years later (look at how Divinely that played out). I fell into self-sabotaging habits such as cutting, suffered from an Eating Disorder (multiple, actually), and my psyche completely self-destructed. Crazy thing is, even through the rape, I wore a smile and loved everyone with my whole heart. I didn't understand much at that time..other than "bad things happen to good people" and that was life. At 16, I was molested by another man. This was not too long after I had finally reported the first incident, so here we go again. In between that time, at around 14 I began meditating...and up until this point, I kept up with it.. Then I met the first 'love of my life'...I use that term loosely because she helped me escape the hell I had currently been living in - or so my young mind thought. Fast forward, it was a mentally, emotionally and abusive relationship that lasted two years exactly. I lived with her and barely kept in contact with my family, meditation and positive vibes were FAR from my mind...it simply wasn't an option. I was hooked on drugs, and no..not just weed. At 17 years old, I was introduced to crack cocaine. It felt like the only thing that could numb my pain...but in reality, it only caused more. By senior year, I decided I was done with it. At 18 years old, I decided to quit cold turkey. I was a straight A & B student, so I managed to barely slip..C's every now and then..but day in and day out I struggled with withdrawals, cravings, etc. all while attending school, and at this point, my family knew nothing of it. The day after our anniversary, sometime after graduation, I had to get out of the abusive situation I was in...I simply couldn't take it anymore. I had dropped an immense amount of weight, I was hungry and tired of sleeping on the floor, sick of working long hours to have my money taken from me...sick of flinching or wanting to curl into a ball everytime my girlfriend came around. So I decided to leave. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. My intuition flickered from within the shadows, and taking a complete leap of faith, I followed it. I allowed it to guide me...though I didn't know where I was going. Anywhere had to be better than where I was...even if it meant dying. And to me, even physical death was an intriguing option. It was often a desire of mine...to disappear into nothingness and leave this world and all of the pain I had endured behind..I realize that I held on to a lot of the pain for so long because I blamed myself for every terrible thing that had happened to me..I could never hold the actual individual accountable. How could I? It had to be me, right? My Love wasn't enough...I wasn't pretty enough, old enough, good enough...there had to be something. Or so I thought..June 2016, I left and though I had a few hiccups, I eventually kept pushing forward. "Long Journey" wasn't the word..but around May of 2017, I could finally grasp onto something.. hope, really. Nothing quite tangible..I had begun meditating again, and searching for something. Anything. I knew I had to get my shit together physically and spiritually, and through a few beautiful souls I'm still blessed to be connected with today, as well as my Father, I began searching for God. For Love. For Freedom.
Surrendering to Love isn't always easy, because it takes a lot of sacrifice. It isn't always about what you want (short-term desires)...but it's always about what's best for you. One day, you may wake up and decide you're tired of being stuck in the past. Or maybe you'll come across someone with a story like mine whose light shines brighter than you've ever known and begin to wonder how to get where they are. Or maybe you'll decide to take a leap of faith and fall head first into your darkness as I did and emerge as the light you've been seeking all along...Regardless of your path or how you decide to get there, there are a few things I want you to remember:
1.) Fear is simply a self-imposed shackle
2.) Freedom is not necessarily having control over your experience, but surrendering to the Love that is and realizing that following your hearts desires (and first mind) will ALWAYS lead you where you need to be
3.) You are in control of your reality in a sense that you have complete control over (SELF) how you view, feel, and respond to things.. Perception = Reality
4.) Your journey is fully supported by God/Source
5.) You matter. Your story is important. Your voice needs to be heard. The world needs your gifts & everything you have to offer. You aren't here without purpose. YOU are Loved far more than your mind can even comprehend.. It's infinite. YOU are infinite.
Well, here goes nothing..Once I publish this, it's all out there. I am not telling my story for pity or even a big "congratulations"...that isn't at all necessary. I am telling my story for you who have gone through hell and back, yet still have that burning desire to move forward, to push through and to claim the happiness and love you KNOW you deserve. This is for you who may feel stuck, hopeless, or incapable...for you who may not have too much self-esteem or feel undeserving of Love because of your past..Or for YOU who are doing what needs to be done and living YOUR TRUTH regardless of external opinions, beliefs, or projections. Keep pushin, baby!! We all make mistakes. We all have our share of hellish experiences..but we are ALL Loved. Unconditionally. No matter what. I love you, and I hope that one day you'll decide that Love is actually worth living for...because that Love created you. And will never fail you.
Much Love & Infinite Blessings,